Wednesday, October 7, 2009

No Sex And The City

Carrie Bradshaw has nothing on me, well except the Jimmy Choo's on her feet and Mr. Big on one arm. I'm not saying those ladies were sluts, because I think there's nothing wrong with sleeping around...if that's what you're looking for. But let's say, you're living in a city, you drink those cosmos but can't afford the fancy meal, so you eat burritos instead, and you have your Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda who support your every move, but what if you're not just trying to land in someone's bed? It's easy to say yes. It means not having to be patient, not having to wait to see if anything worthwhile can come out of this. How do you land into someone's life, and not just their bed? Or rather, let someone land in yours?

The answer is simple, I have no clue. Let's be honest, if I did, I probably wouldn't be writing this. I really, really don't know. I'm not sure anyone does for that matter ( it took Carrie six seasons and a blockbuster movie to figure it out). But after almost five years of being single, I think I finally can make certain statements with confidence. I'm no expert on relationships, or sex, or love by any means, but I definitely have an immense amount of experience on screwing things up, disappointment, and the inevitable realization that if you're looking for true love, you must truly love yourself first. Here are a few pointers to help you on your path to finding your Mr.Big. And please be advised that these are merely pointers...nothing I say, or any one says for that matter can change the truth, that when the time is right he will come.

1. Is it ever OK to make the first move?: I say, yes. I'm not saying to buy him a drink, or put your hand down his pants in the middle of the bar. But if you have someone's attention from across a crowded room, and he has yours, don't look away. Stare long and hard, maybe that will give him the courage to come talk to you. And if that doesn't work, then don't be afraid to approach him. You're an attractive, intelligent woman, surrounded by your equally attractive and intelligent friends, and this will frighten some men. Oh, how easy would it be if life were actually like could send him a friend request, or poke him, or go through his interests and see if you have anything in common, if his status says "single". But, actual life is so much more exciting than that. Smoothly make your way over, come up with something clever to say, and see where it goes. What have you got to lose, really?

2. Numbers have been exchanged, there's a spark, what do you next?: Leave the premises immediately. No more drinks for you. If you stay long enough, have a few more drinks, his eyes will start becoming sweeter, his jawline more chiseled. You will start to feel even more tingly down below, making it a lot more tempting to shove your tongue down his throat. So let's leave it on a good note, and see if he's interested enough to call.

3. It's been a week and he hasn't he just not interested? Maybe he didn't store my number correctly? Maybe his phone fell down the toilet and he's been coming back to that same bar every night waiting for me to appear? : OK, stop. Breathe. Let's focus on reality. He hasn't called, he hasn't texted. Most likely, he just wanted to get laid, he has a girlfriend, or he's too insecure. Do you really want to be with someone like that? Men are single focused creatures, they can only focus on one thing at a time, and if he's not focusing on you, I think it's best to just move on. However, I always say that if you felt a crazy spark, and the curiosity will not let you go...give him a call or send a text. If you get nothing, definitely let it go. You will thank me later.

4. So he called. We hung out. He's really cute and sweet, but there's something missing. Do I give him another chance? Should I go out with him again?  If you're bored and having nothing better to do, and are keen on torturing yourself, maybe. But the key here is to never settle. I'm not saying have a checklist of qualities, but have a vision of what you are looking for. Don't just go out with someone to avoid being by yourself. If you're not having fun or enjoying yourself with someone, a few more dates won't change much.

5. He called. We've been hanging out, and I really like him! Congratulations, but no one cares. Just kidding. Take it slow, enjoy yourself, learn how to compromise, but don't compromise your beautiful self for anyone.

So moral of the story, after many years of not finding anyone who really does it for me, anyone I'd actually want to spend an extended period of time just can't give up. Yes, sometimes it sucks, and yes, other times it doesn't. But we must enjoy our freedom, this time to explore ourselves, to understand what kind of person we want to be, and what kind of relationship we want to have. And the truth is, we can never predict when it will happen for us, but with a little bit of patience, and a lot of grace, we can just know that it will. And maybe, that's enough.


  1. LOVED THIS. So honest and, of course, well-written. :)

  2. I am really into this! So good!!